So tonight I still am searching. Searching for what is missing from my day. This is a new experience for me. To not have someone to share my life with. I mean I was always lonely. Chronically lonely. I have always desired deep relationship. I have had it during a few different seasons of my life, but it has been a long time. And I love men. I just love them. Women are great, but I just love the heart of a good man. The rare men that have crossed my path whose heart I respected have left burning impressions upon me. The one who listened, the one who smiled and asked me about my dreams, the one who was respectful enough to keep his eyes only on my eyes and not wandering. I am not who I was when I was seventeen. I know what I want from a man. He must be kind. And that is so all-encompassing. A kind man would not yell at me. A kind man would not gulp down a laboriously prepared meal before I even sit down. A kind man would not chase me and scream profanity at me. A kind man would not abuse me. So that is my request of God: a kind man.
Today I was wallowing in dark heavy thoughts. This burden of being both the financial provider of my family and the caregiver is overbearing. I feel like my world is looking at me, expecting me to start pulling in the cash. Yet how do I do this while simultaneously caring for my children? One thing that I have learned over the years is that I can have as much of God as I want. It is easy when surrounded by great men and women of God to feel insignificant and unworthy of expecting the same affection and provision from him that they receive. But that is the whole point. Throw everyone out the window. It is me and God. How much do I want from him? How deeply do I believe that he is good? How in love with Jesus am I? Just because I go to Bill Johnson’s church and listen to worship by the some of the best musicians today, does not mean that God has overlooked me. He is still mine. And I want more.
Sometimes I wonder if anyone else thinks of life so epically and romantically as I do. Whenever I think about America, and all that it stands for, I get weepy and find myself pleading with God for mercy. Whenever I think about all that I want to do, I see myself riding across the nation with a horseback, torch and banner in hand. Or flying in and rescuing the captives. I have such a fire inside; such a rebel heart. I do not conform well. I may be small and sweet on the outside, but inside I am a burning fireball, ready to destroy the giants threatening my country. How dare they! This land was founded on righteousness and freedom. I will not stand by and watch it become enslaved. The inside of my head is colored in golden tones like a Maxfield Parrish painting. Maybe that is why I find it so hard to set my course for the future. How do I get a degree in spiritual espionage? Ha. And why do I love risk so much? Hahahah. These are questions for God I suppose.
For now, I must keep my focus and use this alone time to do all of the things I have been wanting to do. And work with Holy Spirit on my heart and soul and finding wholeness again. I’ve got an opportunity here to improve on who I am, to drastically change and also to fine tune all that I am. There are many areas I’ve been wanting to delve into with God and now I have a better chance than I ever did while under the oppression that was my daily life before. I will fly with wings before I die. I will not die, actually. Death is a curse and all curses are over. I will live in divine health. I will prosper. My children will exceed me in their walk and knowledge of the Lord. Etc, etc. Those are my goals. I do not dream small. The problem is I dream big and get down when they are not being accomplished. I need to learn baby steps and cultivating my smaller dreams first I guess. God is magnificent and I love him like a father and I the favorite daughter. I love him, I love the wild, untamable, perfect, creative God. I love him.
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