Mind Detox

I feel that I must put down at least once here some of all that has happened to me. It goes against my nature. But nevertheless, there is a point where I must vent. The first few weeks after Evan finally left I was flooded with an onslaught of memories. It was like my mind was detoxifying and every few minutes would excrete another anguishing memory. It was both revealing and healing for me. Many of the things that I had shoved down and tried to gloss over came bobbing to the surface and I pulled each one out and looked at it before chucking it. I filled an entire journal with short entries of memories, to remember why I left.

This detox of my mind has slowed so that now I am dealing with more large heart issues that take longer to unravel. The breakdown of our marriage did not happen in an instance as if from one fatal mistake, but rather was slowly destroyed, little by litte. Looking back, I can see that there were many red flags that it would turn abusive, however my inexperience with abuse and my hope in the good of people cause me to miss every warning sign.

What is so painful looking back over our six year marriage is seeing all of ………….pause to be completed later, not in the mood now…………..

Okay, just focusing on my night pages and what I am actually feeling right now. Had a good day, overall. Spent the morning cleaning up the house and all the regular stuff and then took the kids over to Evan’s for their time with him this afternoon. I met his roommate, Nick, and he turned out to be pretty much exactly what I supposed him to be. Seems to be a nice guy overall but still a bit young. Don’t think he’ll be a threat but probably not a role model like Adam either. sigh. Did errands and my jeep overheated in this crazy weather. Need a new radiator. The wheels squeak and jump every time I park. hmm. Need a job. Evan was upset and under it when I dropped kids’ off, then apologetic/demanding at return. No doubt in my mind I am doing the right thing. Listened to Dave Matthews today. Thought about the shark and how cool God is. Ooh, the weather was Amazing around 9am this morning. Warm breeze blowing and dancing, trees dancing, so wonderful. Listened tonight to Mike Miller and Understanding Spiritual Authority. SO good. Learned that when we say “in Jesus’ name” what it means is “(from within) Jesus’ name” Wow. Nick prayed for me and sensed that God really wanted to use this time to increase my intimacy with Jesus and increase my ability to hear his voice. Said that his heart was beating over me. Also said I was amazing. So nice. Didn’t cry or open up at all like I did with Adam however. It is amazing to me how we as humans really relate to each other’s spirits more than anything. Like Adam said, “the deep in you cries out to the deep in me.” And “you’re a lover, like me aren’t you?” So right on.

Anyhow I smiled today, which was really nice. I don’t even remember why. But a couple of times while I was driving around town I caught myself smiling. One thing I realized with horror a few months ago was that I was developing worry wrinkles between my eyebrows from making a worried expression. And I’ve heard and know that when you are old your face shows the story of your life. I do not want those wrinkles. I want smile wrinkles. Last night after feeling overly serious I decided I needed a laugh so went on youtube and watched several funny videos to make me laugh.

I am starting to feel the first little signs of hope coming back, like snow melting off in the spring. Here and there I feel hope for my life, hope for what I can still do, hope that I will find a true friend again, hope that I will still fulfill the purpose God has for me. He is so good. I am so glad to be on the track to healing.

There are so many effects of being single that I am now dealing with. Like less dishes, yay! But also, I have almost zero appetite. Which is fine for now, I need to lose a few. But I wander through my day with no motivation to eat. I cook for the kids but only simple things. My neighbor, a dear old lady who lives peacefully with her retired husband, brought us some fresh apricots yesterday. That is all I’ve eaten for the past two days. Tonight I forced myself to eat a salad but I could hardly get it down. Mealtimes were just always such a social occurrence growing up that I find no reason to partake of them when I am alone. But I know I’ll have to find some sort of balance. All part of being single.