My lover

Today was a great day and I feel like bawling my eyes out. I spent the afternoon with new friends, letting my kids play in their pool. Yet I find myself so terribly lonely. These long silent hours between 8pm and midnight are what I look forward to as my reprieve each day, yet they are also hallowed reminders of how alone I am. Why has my mind so quickly returned to wanting a man? Surely I am not so simple as to presume that having a husband will solve all of my problems. The last horrible year of marriage, I looked with despair and envy upon my singleton friends and wished for their freedom. Why does my heart even consider the possibility of entering into a new relationship? Is it just the void left behind by another? I imagine him now, out socializing and enjoying life and not even remembering that he was once my husband. That was the pattern in our marriage so why would it be any different now? Don’t worry, I am not expecting you to answer. My heart just feels so cheated. Abuse by someone so charismatic and likeable becomes all the worse because they can go on living as if nothing has changed while my world is turned upside down. No matter to him that three people once looked to him for solitary support and now he has abandoned us. No matter to him that I cannot afford to buy the children new underwear and he gives them every little thing they want. No matter that he has a degree and a business and experience while I am trying to sell myself as a stay-at-home divorced mom. But that is not really what’s bothering me.

I am weepy lately. Lonely. Lost. What do I do with my life? He took over my life when I was seventeen. Now twenty-five I feel dropped and left in a dark alley, with two children clinging to my neck, confused. What do I do? How is this fair? God is the only just one. He is kind. He is love. He provides. But what do I do with my scared and shaky heart? Lock the door and throw away the key, continue to pretend that I don’t hear it sobbing in the night and fluttering at little glimpses of hope through the bars? I must be free. I feel alone. I must be me. Who am I? God help me, Jesus rescue me. You know why I came here. I will not compete for friends and society with him. I want you. Do not let me lose my focus. All the way down from Montana you drew me towards you. I told you I was coming here for you. I will not give up until I have you, friends or no friends. I must have my lover. No one can take you from me. No one can replace you. Being known in the church is not what I want. I want you. I want you to ask me the same thing you asked Jason Westerfield. I am your intimate lover. I have run with you, laughed with you, danced with you. We have ridden on horseback, flown, snuggled, whispered sweet promises into each other’s ears. I know that one thing. Friends or none, known or hidden, I will find my lover here. I will open my heart to him completely and he will be mine. He will be mine. I am his. He is mine.