Why I Left

A letter to you:

I want you to know where my heart is in all of this craziness, but somehow I doubt that you will ever understand me. My life has been devoted to you but now I must try to revive my beaten soul and find life again. Lately you have been making comments to me, trying to guess what recent shallow event caused us to break down. Something like money or a certain careless word spoken. But it was a downward spiral from the beginning, with choices being made and directions being taken. So here are some of the memories that are driving my decision, on top of all that has occurred recently.

In the beginning I was mad at you. I gave you seven years of my life and you turned and stabbed me in the back. But I have moved past that. I have seen that there are nice people in the world. It is not over. You will not be around to destroy my friendships anymore. Now the anger has subsided (except for the occasional moment when I catch you still trying to destroy my life) and in its place there is sadness and regret, but also hope and letting go.

This evening I worked and enjoyed myself. The heavy heat of the day was still lingering in the garage but I just turned up the music and sang and painted a picnic table I had made for the kids. You wouldn’t have allowed me to make something like that, but I love creating. I am sad that you never really knew me. You never listened to me and when I shared my dreams with you, but would give me a list of reasons why they wouldn’t work. All I ever wanted was for you to be my friend, someone to guard my heart. I told you I was just a simple country girl. I would have loved you and kept our family together if you had just been kind. But you chose to love yourself instead.

When we were in Hawaii and talking about getting married, you gave me two options: either marry you or you would live down the street and be over at my house everyday. When it came to making decisions, you always had the only voice. I had wanted a small barefoot wedding on the beach with just close friends and family. But you insisted it be in your hometown and large and traditional. I paid for most it out of the money I got from selling my shop, even though I wanted to save it for a down payment on a house. When I was pregnant, you didn’t lift a finger to help me out more. The day before I delivered Alana, we were in the church nursery and you sat talking to another dad and I managed all of the toddlers alone. I guess it’s good that God made me so strong. He knew I would need a certain amount of spunk and tenacity to survive life with you.

I always wanted to go exploring with you…but instead I explored Montana with the kids. You missed a lot of beautiful hikes, some beautiful vistas, and more sweet memories with the kids than you would care to know. You worked so hard to look like Mr. Dad in front of your friends, but the two people who should have really seen that, rarely did. Remember how I used to have to beg you to just please get down and wrestle Caden, or dance with Alana? Or play legos or build blocks, or anything besides sitting on the couch? You talked to them in such weird voices and wouldn’t listen to Caden when he talked but would just interrupt him or talk about something else. The habits that you exemplified for him are now behaviors that cause him trouble. But he is doing better since you’ve been gone. And that alone makes it worth it.

You hated my family, and didn’t care to know my past. The two times that we took an hour to drive out to the little town where I grew up in Oregon, you were mad at me and wouldn’t talk to me so I never got to share my stories with you. I spent months in your hometown, listening to every tale and exploring all your old haunts. Do you know how much l love America, how much I love nature, and love God? I always got so irritated with you when you mocked and ridiculed our president. You bought everything SNL told you. Do you know that I hate Wheel of Fortune and The Price Is Right because of you? Those shows ruled over anything else that was going on in our house. I used to enjoy cooking and at the beginning of our marriage I would spend hours laboring over a beautiful meal. But you never even cared. You would wolf down your dinner as if in a race, keeping your eyes on your plate, only pausing to yell at the kids for not eating. Now I have no more energy to cook. Until I find someone that will share a meal with me and at least look me in the eyes. You never let me kiss you. If I tried, you would pull away. You never danced with me.

You broke my heart. You went to an old girlfriend’s house for the night because you wanted to know what could have been. You didn’t tell me for a week but just ignored me at your parents house (which was nothing new), and then when we missed our flight home because you insisted on stopping at Carl’s Jr., you took the only seat on the next flight and left me in San Francisco. Caden was only 2 and Alana was only 2 months. I had no luggage and had to ride home with your dad and wait two more days until I could fly home. I flew home carrying both of them, plus both of their car seats and a diaper bag. When I got home you weren’t there with open arms, instead you greeted me with a dark look and I found myself an hour later writhing on the floor in agony over being betrayed. When I would be up rocking our son to sleep endless nights, you would be downstairs looking at other woman on the computer. You violated me. I gave you your freedom; I was not taught to control people to get what I wanted. But I had to beg and plead for a moments’ reprieve to do something as simple as get coffee with a friend.

We took so many amazing trips together. They could have been great but they are filled with bad memories because you were always mad. Remember the time we drove 12 hours up to Edmonton to go to the waterpark? You got angry at me about something and walked away and I spent the day going down the waterslides alone. Remember Kauai? You spent the first day in the clinic trying to get painkilling medicine for your back. If you want your back to stop hurting, then exercise, eat less, and lift with your legs like I always told you. Or the time we went to Colorado for your family reunion…you wouldn’t associate with me and told me I was basically there to be a nanny. You flirted with your cousin and I almost left. How about Africa? You sat by yourself watching movies for those three 10 hour flights, and I had both the kids to manage alone. When you wouldn’t help me pack for our four month trip, that should have been a sign. You became so much more violent there that I knew I would not be safe alone with you for another two years. If you had been kind, I would have stayed. Then there was our once-in-a-lifetime trip to Europe. I spent months planning it, picking out places that you wanted to go, rather than where I wanted to go. I researched where your family had come from in Ireland so that I could take you there. But you were you on that trip, what did I expect? You complained about the food, the heat, the expenses in Rome. In Ireland we spent most of our time in the car and you fought with me to the point of exhaustion and then stopped talking to me. You didn’t even care about where your family was from. You wouldn’t dance with me. I don’t know why I took you there. And remember our flight home from IAD-DEN? You had to sit behind me a row because the flight was full and you hit me on the head and spoke hateful things at me through the crack of the seat all the way, imaging in your mind that I was flirting with the man next to me. I was sleeping. That was so humiliating and oppressive. Do yourself a favor and marry a Mormon or Islamic girl next time. Someone who wants to be your little slave and stay hidden. I was always a free-spirit and you hated it and so set out to crush my spirit. You succeeded. But I got out. I escaped your little plot. Did you really think I would keep your dark secrets forever?

All last summer you told me you didn’t love me. You went to parties and I hoped you would hook up with someone else. That may sound awful but I was desperate. You told me you didn’t like me. You told me you wanted a divorce two weeks after we were married. And then you continued to decree divorce in nearly every fight. There were dozens of nights that I went to bed thinking we were done and I was now alone only to be awakened by you crying and saying you were sorry. You were able to me convince me that you really would change many times; but then I always was a trusting person.

I wish you would have at least tried to be a family with me. But to you, as long as you could say you were part of a family, it was good enough for you. You never helped out around the house. I could count on my hand how many times you did dishes. You demanded I fold your clothes in particular ways and match all your socks. haha. I’m not folding your shirts for you anymore. Do you know how many people asked me over the years why in the world I was married to you? Almost every man that knew you well.

Now don’t get me wrong. I have good memories in my head as well. Like watching the crazy Montana fireworks from our rooftop. And the couple of times you took me fishing with you. And playing croquet in our backyard last summer. And looking with amazement at how beautiful our children were. And now I’m crying. So you should know that this decision was not easy for me. It has torn me apart. I am devastated because the dream I believed in and the life I worked so hard to build has ended. I really really really wanted to grow old with you. To have our children come home to good old mom and dad. To spend those fun years traveling with you after the kids left. Right now I cannot see the keyboard and I have to once again remind my heart that that dream never would have happened. David Gray is wailing away to me and I know that somehow I have to let go. I believe that you may have loved me some, somewhere along the way. But there is so much conflicting evidence that I don’t know if I will ever believe it was really me you loved, or just the idea of me.

I am happier already. Yesterday I was driving around town and my radiator was overheating because there is a leak and I have no money to fix it but I was just laughing. The stress is gone. I am smiling and dreaming again. I am rebuilding my faith in humanity that you set out to destroy. I am even beginning to hope once again. All of the things you told me I could never do; well now I can. But most of all I will smile and laugh.

Mind Detox

I feel that I must put down at least once here some of all that has happened to me. It goes against my nature. But nevertheless, there is a point where I must vent. The first few weeks after Evan finally left I was flooded with an onslaught of memories. It was like my mind was detoxifying and every few minutes would excrete another anguishing memory. It was both revealing and healing for me. Many of the things that I had shoved down and tried to gloss over came bobbing to the surface and I pulled each one out and looked at it before chucking it. I filled an entire journal with short entries of memories, to remember why I left.

This detox of my mind has slowed so that now I am dealing with more large heart issues that take longer to unravel. The breakdown of our marriage did not happen in an instance as if from one fatal mistake, but rather was slowly destroyed, little by litte. Looking back, I can see that there were many red flags that it would turn abusive, however my inexperience with abuse and my hope in the good of people cause me to miss every warning sign.

What is so painful looking back over our six year marriage is seeing all of ………….pause to be completed later, not in the mood now…………..

Okay, just focusing on my night pages and what I am actually feeling right now. Had a good day, overall. Spent the morning cleaning up the house and all the regular stuff and then took the kids over to Evan’s for their time with him this afternoon. I met his roommate, Nick, and he turned out to be pretty much exactly what I supposed him to be. Seems to be a nice guy overall but still a bit young. Don’t think he’ll be a threat but probably not a role model like Adam either. sigh. Did errands and my jeep overheated in this crazy weather. Need a new radiator. The wheels squeak and jump every time I park. hmm. Need a job. Evan was upset and under it when I dropped kids’ off, then apologetic/demanding at return. No doubt in my mind I am doing the right thing. Listened to Dave Matthews today. Thought about the shark and how cool God is. Ooh, the weather was Amazing around 9am this morning. Warm breeze blowing and dancing, trees dancing, so wonderful. Listened tonight to Mike Miller and Understanding Spiritual Authority. SO good. Learned that when we say “in Jesus’ name” what it means is “(from within) Jesus’ name” Wow. Nick prayed for me and sensed that God really wanted to use this time to increase my intimacy with Jesus and increase my ability to hear his voice. Said that his heart was beating over me. Also said I was amazing. So nice. Didn’t cry or open up at all like I did with Adam however. It is amazing to me how we as humans really relate to each other’s spirits more than anything. Like Adam said, “the deep in you cries out to the deep in me.” And “you’re a lover, like me aren’t you?” So right on.

Anyhow I smiled today, which was really nice. I don’t even remember why. But a couple of times while I was driving around town I caught myself smiling. One thing I realized with horror a few months ago was that I was developing worry wrinkles between my eyebrows from making a worried expression. And I’ve heard and know that when you are old your face shows the story of your life. I do not want those wrinkles. I want smile wrinkles. Last night after feeling overly serious I decided I needed a laugh so went on youtube and watched several funny videos to make me laugh.

I am starting to feel the first little signs of hope coming back, like snow melting off in the spring. Here and there I feel hope for my life, hope for what I can still do, hope that I will find a true friend again, hope that I will still fulfill the purpose God has for me. He is so good. I am so glad to be on the track to healing.

There are so many effects of being single that I am now dealing with. Like less dishes, yay! But also, I have almost zero appetite. Which is fine for now, I need to lose a few. But I wander through my day with no motivation to eat. I cook for the kids but only simple things. My neighbor, a dear old lady who lives peacefully with her retired husband, brought us some fresh apricots yesterday. That is all I’ve eaten for the past two days. Tonight I forced myself to eat a salad but I could hardly get it down. Mealtimes were just always such a social occurrence growing up that I find no reason to partake of them when I am alone. But I know I’ll have to find some sort of balance. All part of being single.

Trekking Through Lonliness

So tonight I still am searching. Searching for what is missing from my day. This is a new experience for me. To not have someone to share my life with. I mean I was always lonely. Chronically lonely. I have always desired deep relationship. I have had it during a few different seasons of my life, but it has been a long time. And I love men. I just love them. Women are great, but I just love the heart of a good man. The rare men that have crossed my path whose heart I respected have left burning impressions upon me. The one who listened, the one who smiled and asked me about my dreams, the one who was respectful enough to keep his eyes only on my eyes and not wandering. I am not who I was when I was seventeen. I know what I want from a man. He must be kind. And that is so all-encompassing. A kind man would not yell at me. A kind man would not gulp down a laboriously prepared meal before I even sit down. A kind man would not chase me and scream profanity at me. A kind man would not abuse me. So that is my request of God: a kind man.

Today I was wallowing in dark heavy thoughts. This burden of being both the financial provider of my family and the caregiver is overbearing. I feel like my world is looking at me, expecting me to start pulling in the cash. Yet how do I do this while simultaneously caring for my children? One thing that I have learned over the years is that I can have as much of God as I want. It is easy when surrounded by great men and women of God to feel insignificant and unworthy of expecting the same affection and provision from him that they receive. But that is the whole point. Throw everyone out the window. It is me and God. How much do I want from him? How deeply do I believe that he is good? How in love with Jesus am I? Just because I go to Bill Johnson’s church and listen to worship by the some of the best musicians today, does not mean that God has overlooked me. He is still mine. And I want more.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone else thinks of life so epically and romantically as I do. Whenever I think about America, and all that it stands for, I get weepy and find myself pleading with God for mercy. Whenever I think about all that I want to do, I see myself riding across the nation with a horseback, torch and banner in hand. Or flying in and rescuing the captives. I have such a fire inside; such a rebel heart. I do not conform well. I may be small and sweet on the outside, but inside I am a burning fireball, ready to destroy the giants threatening my country. How dare they! This land was founded on righteousness and freedom. I will not stand by and watch it become enslaved. The inside of my head is colored in golden tones like a Maxfield Parrish painting. Maybe that is why I find it so hard to set my course for the future. How do I get a degree in spiritual espionage? Ha. And why do I love risk so much? Hahahah. These are questions for God I suppose.

For now, I must keep my focus and use this alone time to do all of the things I have been wanting to do. And work with Holy Spirit on my heart and soul and finding wholeness again. I’ve got an opportunity here to improve on who I am, to drastically change and also to fine tune all that I am. There are many areas I’ve been wanting to delve into with God and now I have a better chance than I ever did while under the oppression that was my daily life before. I will fly with wings before I die. I will not die, actually. Death is a curse and all curses are over. I will live in divine health. I will prosper. My children will exceed me in their walk and knowledge of the Lord. Etc, etc. Those are my goals. I do not dream small. The problem is I dream big and get down when they are not being accomplished. I need to learn baby steps and cultivating my smaller dreams first I guess. God is magnificent and I love him like a father and I the favorite daughter. I love him, I love the wild, untamable, perfect, creative God. I love him.

My lover

Today was a great day and I feel like bawling my eyes out. I spent the afternoon with new friends, letting my kids play in their pool. Yet I find myself so terribly lonely. These long silent hours between 8pm and midnight are what I look forward to as my reprieve each day, yet they are also hallowed reminders of how alone I am. Why has my mind so quickly returned to wanting a man? Surely I am not so simple as to presume that having a husband will solve all of my problems. The last horrible year of marriage, I looked with despair and envy upon my singleton friends and wished for their freedom. Why does my heart even consider the possibility of entering into a new relationship? Is it just the void left behind by another? I imagine him now, out socializing and enjoying life and not even remembering that he was once my husband. That was the pattern in our marriage so why would it be any different now? Don’t worry, I am not expecting you to answer. My heart just feels so cheated. Abuse by someone so charismatic and likeable becomes all the worse because they can go on living as if nothing has changed while my world is turned upside down. No matter to him that three people once looked to him for solitary support and now he has abandoned us. No matter to him that I cannot afford to buy the children new underwear and he gives them every little thing they want. No matter that he has a degree and a business and experience while I am trying to sell myself as a stay-at-home divorced mom. But that is not really what’s bothering me.

I am weepy lately. Lonely. Lost. What do I do with my life? He took over my life when I was seventeen. Now twenty-five I feel dropped and left in a dark alley, with two children clinging to my neck, confused. What do I do? How is this fair? God is the only just one. He is kind. He is love. He provides. But what do I do with my scared and shaky heart? Lock the door and throw away the key, continue to pretend that I don’t hear it sobbing in the night and fluttering at little glimpses of hope through the bars? I must be free. I feel alone. I must be me. Who am I? God help me, Jesus rescue me. You know why I came here. I will not compete for friends and society with him. I want you. Do not let me lose my focus. All the way down from Montana you drew me towards you. I told you I was coming here for you. I will not give up until I have you, friends or no friends. I must have my lover. No one can take you from me. No one can replace you. Being known in the church is not what I want. I want you. I want you to ask me the same thing you asked Jason Westerfield. I am your intimate lover. I have run with you, laughed with you, danced with you. We have ridden on horseback, flown, snuggled, whispered sweet promises into each other’s ears. I know that one thing. Friends or none, known or hidden, I will find my lover here. I will open my heart to him completely and he will be mine. He will be mine. I am his. He is mine.

New Tracks

I’m tired of being tough. And this hermit lifestyle I’ve been living for the past few months isn’t going to work. I’ve got to breathe again. Feel alive again. Feel like a woman again. Someone asked me yesterday how my heart was. Up until this point I thought I was doing pretty well. I was staying tough. I’d had a good cry already. But apparently it’s going to take a bit more to mourn the last seven years of my life, because when someone asked me this, I fell apart. My heart? It’s locked up in a high tower far away, so wounded and brazen that a return to life will take a miracle. What else is a person supposed to do with their heart when it finds itself under daily assault? So I found out that I have a long way to go. Divorce is horrible. Having children in the middle is unbearable. But escaping abuse is unquestionable. I must flee, I must run, I must get free. I was not made to be a punching bag, a dishtowel, despised by the one who had pledged to love me. But here I am. I cannot believe I survived seven years with that man.

Sometimes I feel so guarded that I wonder if I even know what is underneath my skin. Who is this person? This mom who has thrown herself into raising her children and creating a nurturing home for them? My identity has been entirely that of mother. Their needs and desires have directed my life. A mother must navigate the paths of life with the ever present knowledge that her children are following along behind. I married my husband because we had already become parents together and I wanted the nuclear family ideal for my children. That ideal just never included an angry husband, a distracted and selfish father, or divorce.

Now my train has derailed and I must figure out what track I am to follow from this point. Who am I? The world is excitingly opened up and frighteningly intimidating. All of the dreams that he refused to allow me to consider are back on the table. From here I can do anything with my life. Yet I am also now a single mother. The burden of being both caretaker and breadwinner can leave me gasping for air some days. Not that I don’t want to work; I love working. But trying to figure out how to manage it and simultaneously care for my children is confusing.

I am liberated, but my children are only half way there. Growing up I watched Sallie Field in “Not Without My Daughter” and always cried. Now I can relate. How can a woman leave her children behind with her abuser? It is unthinkable. So I have fought. And God has been really fighting for me. Sometime last year I suddenly realized that even if they had to spend some days with him, at least they would have some days of normal sane life with me. They would get out, at least some. They would have an opportunity to see what real love is, what peace and respect and honor look like. If I do not get free, they will not have a chance to be free. So I am walking out, walking to freedom.